Honoring Parents’ and Children’s Needs
How can parents foster harmony at home while honoring both their needs and their children’s? One mother shares her transformation – from daily struggles to empowered problem-solving.
Parenting three children under 10 is no small feat. For this mother, whose children we’ll call John (9), Mary (7) and Peter (5), the days were a mix of joy and chaos. “Children are the greatest blessings,” she says, “but teaching them is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Sibling conflicts, emotional outbursts, and moments of frustration—like Peter hitting himself when upset—left her feeling heartbroken and overwhelmed.
An email from school prompted her to sign up for Parent Effectiveness Training. Determined to create a calmer, more supportive home, the promise of skills like soothing tantrums, resolving sibling fights, and guiding behavior without power struggles resonated deeply. “I wanted to be a better parent—one who nurtures their growth every day,” she recalls.
A Tantrum Turned Teaching Moment
One morning, while grabbing coffee with Peter, he asked for a sweet treat. Though she agreed to a green tea muffin (already feeling indulgent for allowing sweets at 8 a.m.), he soon erupted into a tantrum, refusing to eat it.
Before P.E.T., her response might have been frustration: “You’re getting a special treat—why are you upset? I’m the one wasting money!” But this time, she paused and put her newly acquired active listening skills to use: “You’re upset because you wanted the chocolate muffin instead?”
Peter’s tension eased instantly. “Yes…” he admitted, and to her surprise, he ate the muffin without further protest. That small shift – validating his feelings instead of dismissing them – made all the difference.
The Power of No-Lose Problem Solving
Active listening wasn’t the only tool that transformed her parenting. She also embraced Method III (no-lose conflict resolution), where both parent and child collaborate on solutions. With her oldest, John, she began stating her needs alongside his, then inviting him to brainstorm ideas. “Sometimes we hit roadblocks and revisit later, but often, he suggests solutions he’s willing to follow because he helped create them.” For her younger ones, offering choices – “Would you like to do this or that?” – gave them agency, reducing meltdowns.
Respect Goes Both Ways
Parenting isn’t about always saying yes or no—it’s about teaching mutual respect. “I used to concede whenever possible, but now I see that honoring my own needs teaches them to consider others too.”
Though she admits she’s still “a work in progress,” the changes are undeniable. Fewer power struggles. More cooperation. And most importantly—children who feel heard. “P.E.T. gave me a framework to navigate the hardest moments,” she reflects. “Now, even on tough days, I know we’re building something better.”
